On Tuesday I had probably the worst panic attack I've had in my life. I have many a diagnosis (Bipolar 2, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder), and sometimes I'm able to keep things under control. This did not happen Tuesday. I felt "off" when I left for work, so I stopped to get an iced coffee, hoping that this "treat" would help me feel better. Well, the register was broken and I had no cash, so there was a bit of a delay processing my card. I know that they were annoyed at the process, and I apologized so much (I've been on the other side of the counter. Note: when you're gentle to people in this situation, they REALLY APPRECIATE it), but it still bothered the hell out of me that such a thing happened. Sat down in my car with the door open for a minute, felt that foreboding weirdness in my fingertips, and contemplated going home. But I didn't. My in-laws were coming to visit Joe, and I know that if I called out sick and seemed fine when they got here, it would have looked really bad. (It would have been bad, too.) So I set my mind up, and said to myself to kick its ass, and walked into work.
People commented that I was kind of not myself. I was trying so hard to cheer up, but I just couldn't get there sincerely. The phone kept ringing. Every order I rang up had some kind of minor issue. I said multiple times that it was one of the few days that customers could make me cry instead of laugh. When I was waiting on the drive thru, there was a difficulty in my hearing that caused me to mishear a name and birth date 3 times. By the time I finally got it right, I barely was able to put things into a sentence. Survived that transaction, and was so blessed when I heard another lady come up behind me and say that she could take over for me. I was so grateful. I'd have loved to have just switched places with her, but I needed some time. So I said, "I'm going to go cry now" and so I went into the back room, sat down on a box of paper, and cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. I had my take-it-when-you-need-it medicine in my car, so I thought I'd go out and get it, so I opened the back door... alarms went off. Boss-man turned off the alarm and boss-lady let me out the door without the alarm, and I went to my car. But I didn't have my purse, which meant I didn't have my keys, which meant I couldn't get into my car. I was already crying pretty hard, but this hit even harder. So I'm sitting on the curb next to my car, crying my eyes out. I have the wherewithal to text a coworker and ask her to bring me my purse so I can open my car door, and she brought it out and was floored at how hard I was crying. I was too. They gave me the message that I could count this break as my lunch, just take the time I needed to pull myself together. So I got in the car and took my in-case-you-need-it meds.
And then I worried about not being able to pull myself together. What if the meds didn't work? And what if I couldn't do my job that day because the meds didn't work? What if this meant that I can't hold down a job at all?
More spiraling. I finally got into my car and rolled the windows down and just cried and cried and cried. I don't remember how long. I remember receiving a text from the previous coworker saying "[Boss] said to go home" so I asked her to bring me my lunch bag. At that point I was so relieved that I just slumped over the door and was ugly-crying even more. The "uh-huh-huh-huh" kind that doesn't even let your voice break because you're so tired from the broken-voice crying that you've been doing for so long before.
Pulled myself together to drive myself the 7 minutes home, and then I got home. No one was there except the boys (dogs), so I was able to use my pharmacy-tech knowledge and top off my in-case-you-need-it meds at the highest dispensed dose (merely quadruple my prescribed dose), and curled up under the purple blanket with some kind of boring TV show on. I was GONE. The dogs got up when Husband and his parents came home, and I barely registered that. I don't know anything after that except them saying something like "well what about Sunday?" Later (and still now) I feel stupid for not just going into the bedroom when I got home so I wasn't out there in a blathered-up mess.
I'm still tired from it, 5 days later. I'm still sad from it. I'm still scared from it. This was not like any panic attack I'd had before (usually I just faint). Tomorrow I have my appointment with my psychiatrist, and I hope I can figure something out. I was so excited about having gone so long between appointments, and now it's back to the more often again, so I feel pretty dejected.
And I have no idea how to conclude this right now, because there really is no conclusion to any of this. So I guess I can do the semi-colon thing and say
My story is not over;
People commented that I was kind of not myself. I was trying so hard to cheer up, but I just couldn't get there sincerely. The phone kept ringing. Every order I rang up had some kind of minor issue. I said multiple times that it was one of the few days that customers could make me cry instead of laugh. When I was waiting on the drive thru, there was a difficulty in my hearing that caused me to mishear a name and birth date 3 times. By the time I finally got it right, I barely was able to put things into a sentence. Survived that transaction, and was so blessed when I heard another lady come up behind me and say that she could take over for me. I was so grateful. I'd have loved to have just switched places with her, but I needed some time. So I said, "I'm going to go cry now" and so I went into the back room, sat down on a box of paper, and cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. I had my take-it-when-you-need-it medicine in my car, so I thought I'd go out and get it, so I opened the back door... alarms went off. Boss-man turned off the alarm and boss-lady let me out the door without the alarm, and I went to my car. But I didn't have my purse, which meant I didn't have my keys, which meant I couldn't get into my car. I was already crying pretty hard, but this hit even harder. So I'm sitting on the curb next to my car, crying my eyes out. I have the wherewithal to text a coworker and ask her to bring me my purse so I can open my car door, and she brought it out and was floored at how hard I was crying. I was too. They gave me the message that I could count this break as my lunch, just take the time I needed to pull myself together. So I got in the car and took my in-case-you-need-it meds.
And then I worried about not being able to pull myself together. What if the meds didn't work? And what if I couldn't do my job that day because the meds didn't work? What if this meant that I can't hold down a job at all?
More spiraling. I finally got into my car and rolled the windows down and just cried and cried and cried. I don't remember how long. I remember receiving a text from the previous coworker saying "[Boss] said to go home" so I asked her to bring me my lunch bag. At that point I was so relieved that I just slumped over the door and was ugly-crying even more. The "uh-huh-huh-huh" kind that doesn't even let your voice break because you're so tired from the broken-voice crying that you've been doing for so long before.
Pulled myself together to drive myself the 7 minutes home, and then I got home. No one was there except the boys (dogs), so I was able to use my pharmacy-tech knowledge and top off my in-case-you-need-it meds at the highest dispensed dose (merely quadruple my prescribed dose), and curled up under the purple blanket with some kind of boring TV show on. I was GONE. The dogs got up when Husband and his parents came home, and I barely registered that. I don't know anything after that except them saying something like "well what about Sunday?" Later (and still now) I feel stupid for not just going into the bedroom when I got home so I wasn't out there in a blathered-up mess.
I'm still tired from it, 5 days later. I'm still sad from it. I'm still scared from it. This was not like any panic attack I'd had before (usually I just faint). Tomorrow I have my appointment with my psychiatrist, and I hope I can figure something out. I was so excited about having gone so long between appointments, and now it's back to the more often again, so I feel pretty dejected.
And I have no idea how to conclude this right now, because there really is no conclusion to any of this. So I guess I can do the semi-colon thing and say
My story is not over;